Directed by Mike Mendez
Written by Gregory Gieras
Starring Greg Grunberg, Lin Shaye, Ruben Pla, Alexis Kendra, Lombardo Boyar, and Ray Wise
Titles are important. They set audience expectations of tone and content. Other factors play into it of course — trailers, posters, tie-in products — but in the end, it’s just the title listed with a time. So when I learned there was a film named Big Ass Spider! I figured it would deliver a big damn spider, a comical tone, and hopefully enough action to make up for its shortcomings. Spoiler: my guess was right.
Written Directed by Brett Piper
Starring Erin Brown (as Misty Mundae), Julian Wells, Rob Monkiewicz, Erika Smith, Michael R. Thomas, Caitlin Ross, and Sylvianne Chebance
If you’re setting out to review every big spider movie commercially available, you’re going to eventually have to deal with sleazy movies. I’m talking low-budget films with lots of gratuitous nudity and sex, simulated or otherwise. When I did a movie podcast years ago, the episode that broke me was about Jess Franco’s Mari-Cookie and the Killer Tarantula. Two of my friends took my displeasure as a challenge and watched for themselves. One said he’d seen worse but agreed it wasn’t good. The other sent a messenger to kick me in the junk for him. At least I’d earned it.
Directed by Bill Rebane
Written by Richard L. Huff and Robert Easton
Starring Steve Brodie, Barbara Hale, Robert Easton, Leslie Parrish, Alan Hale Jr., Bill Williams, and Diane Lee Hart
A lot of horror movies have misleading titles. The Monster That Challenged the World, for example, merely bothered a small boat. One thing I can say in defense of The Giant Spider Invasion is that its title is not technically a lie. There are spiders that are ecologically invasive, and one of them is indeed effing huge. That’s about the only thing impressive about it. The spider, I mean. More on that later.
Directed by Tony Randel
Written by Brent V. Friedman
Starring Rosalind Allen, Ami Dolenz, Seth Green, Virginya Keehne, Alfonso Ribeiro, Peter Scolari, Ray Oriel, Dina Dayrit, Barry Lynch and Clint Howard
There have been several films about minuscule terrors; Phase IV and The Flesh Eaters come immediately to mind. Likewise The Beginning of the End and The Empire of the Ants present the peril of small things vastly enlarged. There is a minor niche in between for films about the tiny grown to not-very-big, and within that the chief example is Ticks.
Directed by Gianfranco Giagni
Written by Riccardo Aragno, Tonino Cervi, Cesare Frugoni, and Gianfranco Manfredi
Starring Roland Wybenga, Paolo Rinaldi, Margareta von Krauss, and Claudia Muzi
There are certain things I just know I have to watch. Giant spider movies, naturally. Italian horror is another favorite. I can’t say no to noir, especially the sort where investigation leads to doom. Anything with Ray Milland in it. So when I learned that The Spider Labyrinth was an Italian horror-noir about a spider cult, I nearly fainted with joy. Good thing Milland wasn’t in it!
aka Ator l’invincibile
Directed by Joe D’Amato
Written by Joe D’Amato and Michele Soavi
Starring Miles O’Keeffe, Sabrina Siani, and Ritza Brown
The sword and sandal genre once thrived, with heroes like Hercules and Samson knocking down pillars and wrestling lions. Maybe it died off because other cheap fare was more marketable, or perhaps an audience that had rejected tight shorts on men now demanded their heroes wear pants. Whatever the cause, it wasn’t until Arnold Schwarzenegger donned the loincloth for Conan the Barbarian that buff men running around in their underwear muscled their way back into theaters.
Directed by Lance Hendrickson, Troy McCall, Mike P. Nelson, Steven Rhoden, and Ben Trandem
Written by Lance Hendrickson, Mike P. Nelson, Steven Rhoden, Pa Chia Thao, and Ben Trandem
Starring Simon Wallace, Amy Cocchiarella, Tony D. Czech, Lance Hendrickson, Troy McCall, and Mike P. Nelson
This is playing with the difficulty set on Hard. Four experienced and talented directors teamed up to make Four Rooms with a shared character and setting, and it did so well that it’s never spoken of. Five directors — including Orson Welles — and a legion of largely uncredited writers worked on the endearing fiasco that was the 1967 anthology film version of Casino Royale. What I’m saying is that five directors working on seven stories with the same characters and setting is ambitious, particularly when the “it’s yet another dream” premise removes any and all emotional investment in Charles’ adventures.So I give the many directors and writers of Summer School credit for reaching too high, while acknowledging that the result of their collective effort is not very good. On average each story only had 12 minutes to work with, so the majority of the scenarios are fairly trite without much room to stand out in any way. There are still some fun moments; the segment “Vampires” features an entertainingly improbable staking, and “Slasher” sees Charles finally snap and go on a stabbing spree. Largely though, it’s a collection of genre beats without any context or weight.
Perhaps the worst section is the one that the greatest chance to break free of the limiting nature of the setup. “Hill Billy”, written and directed by Mike P. Nelson, puts a backwoods redneck family living directly outside the school. It’s the most overtly dreamlike setting detail in the film, and it gets us out of the building, so it’s a promising start. Sadly, all we get is recycled homosexual hick panic with a predator played by an actor too scared to actually touch Charles. It’s… not good, and the double-fake end of the segment does nothing to clear the air.So why am I even reviewing Summer School then? Because, dear readers, the second interior story contains that most rare and horrible of arachnids: spider men! The segment “Monsters” is co-written by Steve Rhoden and Ben Trandem (who had a writing and/or directing hand in all but two of the stories) and directed by Rhoden. It’s my favorite part for two reasons. First, of course, is that it features arachnothropes. That’s a word I just made up, because a cursory search turned up nothing else that fit. There’s zoanthropy, but even if you ignore the fact that it’s intended meaning is for people who only think they’re animals, it’s still usually restricted to mammals. Not a lot of people think they’re creepy crawlies, apparently.
The other reason I like “Monsters” is that it chose to avoid cliché. Sure, there’s nothing too unusual about infectious monsters, cocooned victims, or going down in a swarm, but instead of trotting out werewolves or making giant spider puppets someone thought “You know what? Spider masks would look sweet with gorilla suits”. I love that kind of thinking! The overall effect was rather silly, but I have to say that the masks look good. They’re only seen in quick shots or at a distance, so they come off well even with their immobility. Plus, how many times have arachnothropes appeared on film? Without poring over my notes on spider movies I can only come up with three: Horrors of Spider Island, Curse of the Black Widow, and the execrable Lost in Space. I’d also accept Mesa of Lost Women, although none of the humans looked spidery, and the spider just got big. I’m not prepared to discuss Mari-Cookie and the Killer Tarantula. It’s still too soon. Okay, and there are a few adaptations of Monkey that have spider women… My point is that it’s fun to see such an underexposed monster type in a movie that’s otherwise merely a tour of familiar scares. I mean, they even hauled out Nazis, for crying out loud.Overall, Summer School does little more than prove the technical competency of the filmmakers. That’s not a knock. While I was generally unengaged with the movie, I couldn’t fault the production values. The camera work, lighting, most of the sound, and even the effects are well above average for such a low-budget project. This kind of showpiece can be a nice entry on a CV, and indeed many of the film’s workers have since worked on technical and makeup capacities on TV, including some directing. Not bad.
Unless they’re still dreaming!
This review is part of the Adult Onset Lycanthropy roundtable; we’re taking a look at films were people become inhuman. The links below are for reviews from other participants. Give ’em the ol’ clicky, would’ja?
Checkpoint Telstar observes The Bat People
Cinemasochist Apocalypse honorably faces Kibakichi
Micro-Brewed Reviews bogarts Curse of the Black Widow (but I’m totally not jealous or nothing)
Las Películas de Terror scans The Beast Within
Psychoplasmics rounds up An American Werewolf in London
The Terrible Claw Reviews slithers up to Sssssss
The Tomb of Anubis tracks down Romasanta